Tween girldom hit me hard this week and I have to say, that as prepared as I thought I was, I am at a loss. Every parent knows and feels the anxiety of watching your child navigate through the social structures of each grade. But the resurgence of my own middle school years took me by surprise. How do I advise my own daughter of the triumphs and perils when you know that these years will be hard and ongoing?
My own middle school years were not horrible. I will not say they were fabulous but I survived and moved on. The worst for me were centered in 7th and 8th grade. I remember those as the “crying years”. Raging hormones thanks to being a late bloomer confiscates my memories but I do know that there were good times intermittently. My low times were more of the result of my own insecurities and lack of understanding. As I trailed through each of these trials, my transition into high school was relatively good.
My daughter’s experiences are similar to most of us girls. The catty talk in front of, behind and to the side of different social acquaintances and friends. Talk of who is in the popular or “prep”, as they call themselves, group. Talk of who are friends with whom, who likes what boy or what boy likes them. None of this intimidates me and is easy to advise.
At the moment, at least, my daughter is happy with herself. She is a self-described Tom Boy, likes to wear t-shirts with logos, jeans and tennis shoes. She does not have a problem (yet) with the social pressure to conform to more girly (as she calls it) fashion and appears to be secure with herself to express her individuality.
But what has thrown me for a loop is the criticism from her friends about how she should be more like a girl, how she should care about her weight and try to lose some pounds, and how she should restrain herself from speaking her mind or communicating with others. This is the part that blows my mind.
How can 12-year-old girls be concerned about their weight at this age? I know they have the “healthy body image” lectures at school. I hope that their parents talk with them about healthy eating and exercise habits and positive body image. But to be honest, I’m not really sure.
I do not make a huge issue out of this subject because I believe that too much attention fuels the fire, if you will. I do not EVER talk of dieting and clearly state that we do not diet in our family. We eat whole heartedly and enjoy food. But that food is like fuel to a car, you put the bad stuff in and it will not run properly.
I want my daughter to be smart about who she listens to, what influences are around her and how she teaches others to treat her. A great quote by a very smart friend of mine (one I go to consistently for advice) told me that “you teach people how to treat you”. Meaning, do not take any shit off anyone.
With her advice in my mind, I talked to my daughter about the importance of lifting up a friend, not dragging her down. But we also discussed the topic of boundaries. I explained that each of us has personal boundaries and when we have positive people and friends around us, they respect those boundaries. I want her to continue to be comfortable with who she is, to not feel like to she has to look like everyone else or allow them to dictate her on her wardrobe, and to know that it is okay to tell someone to zip their pie hole when giving unsolicited criticisms.
It’s hard to explain all of this when I am consistently amazed at the number of people who criticize others on their choice of fashion, their decisions, their weight and everything else in between. What happened to the much touted slogan of our youth, “Be yourself, be different”. Not where I live. Conformity is the norm here and is a constant constraint in all age groups.
I know that when I encourage her to walk her own path, I am essentially guiding her down a road less travelled. This individuality will cost her at many levels within her peers and even among the adults. So, my anxiety has not been what I am hearing from her but more of what I need and want to tell her. My years of being honest and direct with her about most subjects have slowed to a speed of caution. What do I say that will carry her through the next few years of her life to make it easier on her? How do I manage the next few years knowing that my advice may set her apart?
After a Zyrtec-induced sleep, I awake with the clarity and intention of telling her to be herself. I tell her that I love who she is, that I support the way she dresses and that I know that she will learn to take care of herself and set boundaries with her friends. I could not live each day knowing that I had taught my daughter to settle for the average quo. I want her to expect higher than that. And I realize, as I am telling her this, that I am relearning the same principles, again, for myself.
“Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else” ~ Unknown
My own middle school years were not horrible. I will not say they were fabulous but I survived and moved on. The worst for me were centered in 7th and 8th grade. I remember those as the “crying years”. Raging hormones thanks to being a late bloomer confiscates my memories but I do know that there were good times intermittently. My low times were more of the result of my own insecurities and lack of understanding. As I trailed through each of these trials, my transition into high school was relatively good.
My daughter’s experiences are similar to most of us girls. The catty talk in front of, behind and to the side of different social acquaintances and friends. Talk of who is in the popular or “prep”, as they call themselves, group. Talk of who are friends with whom, who likes what boy or what boy likes them. None of this intimidates me and is easy to advise.
At the moment, at least, my daughter is happy with herself. She is a self-described Tom Boy, likes to wear t-shirts with logos, jeans and tennis shoes. She does not have a problem (yet) with the social pressure to conform to more girly (as she calls it) fashion and appears to be secure with herself to express her individuality.
But what has thrown me for a loop is the criticism from her friends about how she should be more like a girl, how she should care about her weight and try to lose some pounds, and how she should restrain herself from speaking her mind or communicating with others. This is the part that blows my mind.
How can 12-year-old girls be concerned about their weight at this age? I know they have the “healthy body image” lectures at school. I hope that their parents talk with them about healthy eating and exercise habits and positive body image. But to be honest, I’m not really sure.
I do not make a huge issue out of this subject because I believe that too much attention fuels the fire, if you will. I do not EVER talk of dieting and clearly state that we do not diet in our family. We eat whole heartedly and enjoy food. But that food is like fuel to a car, you put the bad stuff in and it will not run properly.
I want my daughter to be smart about who she listens to, what influences are around her and how she teaches others to treat her. A great quote by a very smart friend of mine (one I go to consistently for advice) told me that “you teach people how to treat you”. Meaning, do not take any shit off anyone.
With her advice in my mind, I talked to my daughter about the importance of lifting up a friend, not dragging her down. But we also discussed the topic of boundaries. I explained that each of us has personal boundaries and when we have positive people and friends around us, they respect those boundaries. I want her to continue to be comfortable with who she is, to not feel like to she has to look like everyone else or allow them to dictate her on her wardrobe, and to know that it is okay to tell someone to zip their pie hole when giving unsolicited criticisms.
It’s hard to explain all of this when I am consistently amazed at the number of people who criticize others on their choice of fashion, their decisions, their weight and everything else in between. What happened to the much touted slogan of our youth, “Be yourself, be different”. Not where I live. Conformity is the norm here and is a constant constraint in all age groups.
I know that when I encourage her to walk her own path, I am essentially guiding her down a road less travelled. This individuality will cost her at many levels within her peers and even among the adults. So, my anxiety has not been what I am hearing from her but more of what I need and want to tell her. My years of being honest and direct with her about most subjects have slowed to a speed of caution. What do I say that will carry her through the next few years of her life to make it easier on her? How do I manage the next few years knowing that my advice may set her apart?
After a Zyrtec-induced sleep, I awake with the clarity and intention of telling her to be herself. I tell her that I love who she is, that I support the way she dresses and that I know that she will learn to take care of herself and set boundaries with her friends. I could not live each day knowing that I had taught my daughter to settle for the average quo. I want her to expect higher than that. And I realize, as I am telling her this, that I am relearning the same principles, again, for myself.
“Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else” ~ Unknown
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