Virginia is cold… but at least the chances of waking up to gorgeous blankets of snow are adequate. Alabama, not so much. We have snow flurries that shut down the entire city. Our kids dream of snowball fights and sleds; what they get is a two-inch wet slop of a snowman. We do have more sun during the months of January and February but the bone-chilling wet cold that hits you stays all day. Once my body temperature drops, there is nothing to cure it except for layers of socks, sweatpants, and eventually a long, hot bath.
I do not have the winter blues. More like bitchy woman with nowhere to go. I tend to wake up at the crack of my dawn, ready to tackle a project or the possible notion of an early morning walk. However, with the lack of sunlight at 4:30 a.m. and the sharp inhalation of ice-cold air, I quickly close the door, stomp off to my bed and attempt to fall asleep. Eventually, I do, but this unneeded slumber makes me want to sleep later and ensures that I will wake up two hours later groggy and pissed off.
Shoes are the other issue I have with cold, wet winters. You have to wear sensible and waterproof shoes. I prefer my fabulous New York City boots. Unfortunately, I cannot fit my overwrapped, two-sock club of a foot into either of them. Therefore, I scoot around the house in my cozy, lined suede slippers and on a regular basis, wear them to drive my kids to and from school. I give up on looking cute or stylish in the winter. It is not in my nature or benefits me in any way to bundle up in layers of clothing. I look like the kid brother in A Christmas Story who falls in the snow and can’t get up. This is why I live in my well-insulated pajamas, suede slippers and rarely brush my hair before 11 a.m.
Food is another winter pet peeve of mine. Why does the body need additional food to keep itself warm? I really do not understand because my caboose has enough fat to hibernate me and my three children through a long winter. I crave bread, bagels, peanut butter and jelly, cheese, olives and pepperoni. I crave these normally but in cold months, I consume large amounts and as previously mentioned, do not leave the house. Remember, I am still in my pajamas.
The peak of my whining is the lack of color to my skin. Rather, I have color but I am olive skinned and fabulously tan in the summer. In the winter, I look like I have jaundice. Add that in to messy hair, layers of socks, pajamas and slippers on a daily basis, I am not feeling so attractive. I occasionally will slather the self-tanner on my face and neck but who the hell wants to cover your entire body in it? You have to wash your hands every application or so to make sure your palms do not turn orange and it can discolor your clothing. So, you have to stand there butt-naked for at least 5-7 minutes or help it along with a blow dryer. Again, the issue of not having on your pajamas. I become chilled and off I go to the warming tub and all my work is soaked away.
I envision myself as one of those seasonal house jumpers who live in one house during the warm months and retreat to their Key West home in the winter. I want to pack up my two seasons of clothing, flip flops, funky but not warm NYC boots and bikinis and hightail it to greener pastures. I would lather on sun block instead of the dreaded skin bronzer. I would have an ice-cold coke in the morning and a frosty beer in the afternoon (without the peanut butter and jelly). I would have a pedicure once a week so I could stare at my pretty toes in flimsy flip-flops or walk around the house bare footed. Ah, this is the life I was born to experience.
Oh, yea, right. I must have fallen asleep again after getting up for my 4:30 a.m. crack food attack. I’m still in Ala “coldass” bama. I wish I had a start button for the gas fireplace. Where the crap is my damn slippers?
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